Handling Grief: How to Cope with Loss of Loved Ones
Do you remember the rhyme? If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)… Right from childhood we are taught how to express our happiness. We are also taught, “Don’t worry be happy”. The state of happiness is very pleasant, who wants to come out of it? But then life is one cycle of happiness and sorrow, and we humans are a bundle of emotions. We express happiness easily but how do we express sorrow? How to deal with grief?
Prolonged Grief
Persisting grief is different from normal grief, in that the guilt last for more than 12 months. Mourners are in denial mode, they cannot accept the death of the person they lost This causes symptoms like sadness, anger or guilt that last for more than 12 months.
( This image is a sculpted structure I saw in an exhibition recently. I sometimes wonder what goes on in the mind of sculptors when they sculpt images. This particular sculpture caught my imagination. It looks as if the man is sitting all alone and grieving or is in deep sorrow.)
Prolonged grief ensnares those experiencing it in an unending cycle of rumination. It leads to functional decline further leading to resigning from their occupations, or steering clear of individuals and locations that evoke memories of their loss. It is scary for a closely related person to observe – the sufferer see no point in living without the person they lost.
The emergence of the persisting grief disorder depends on how the lost person died. In case of unforeseen loss of someone close to you, the likelihood of experiencing prolonged grief is significantly heightened.
Denial and avoidance pattern are signs of prolonged grief disorder. Extend your helping hand to them.
Handling Grief
The emotion GRIEF, especially the grief over the death of a near and dear person will have shattering effect on one’s psychology. This is experienced most when some body important to you, a part of your everyday thoughts, leaves you forever. That loss leaves you with gnawing hollowed feeling.
It is extremely painful especially if it is kept pent up within oneself. And this is one dark moment which one experiences at some point of time in life.
A terrible sense of loneliness and depression can sink in after the loss, in spite of being in a crowd, surrounded by people, by halves and quarters. Grief is that shell of impenetrable thoughts, which unless you allow no one can get through to you.
So, how does one express grief? May be we are expected to act dignified and gulp it all down?
True, there is no defined perfect way of handling grief, yet we have to heal ourselves and get out of the situation. Even years later you feel as if your loved one still resides in your thoughts, in your mind, and is a part of your flesh.
How to deal with grief
How to Deal with Grief and Loss of Loved Ones?
Interaction with Friends
Most often it is our contacts that can work miracles in our road to normalcy after that shattering blow. Contacts can be with our relatives, friends, and even pets. Huge connections are not required, sometimes discussion with a total stranger gives you a new perspective to the situation.
Communication with our contacts is a must, one may just need to talk it all out. Shutting oneself out of social contacts and squirming all alone can only lead to depression and self pity. Today the advances in technology are a boon to establish and nurture contacts.
Engage Yourself in Activities
Engaging oneself in fruitful activities is a good way to cope with loss of loved ones. Learn a new art. Indulge in gardening in your balcony or gardens. Flowers that you grown can really cheer you up. Keeping the mind diverted by watching TV, movies, plays also help. One can try meditation too.
Help those who are going through this phase of grieving. An affectionate smile from you followed by a warm hug can do wonders. Flowers help soothe the grieving mind. Try spending a little more time to listen to their tale of sorrow, very often you will find your sorrow is negligible compared to others’.
Have a Good Cry
It is okay to shed tears. Yes, it is okay to cry. There is nothing to be ashamed of in shedding tears. Crying helps to let go of pent up feelings. It is positive and healthy sign of living.
Japanese believe in powers and health benefits of crying. They have crying clubs called rui-katsu (meaning, literally, “tear-seeking”). Just like laughing clubs people come together to indulge in good old-fashioned sob-fests.
Emotional tears contain higher levels of stress hormones than reflex tears (the ones that flow when something irritates your eye). Comparatively they contain more mood-regulating manganese than the other types.
Grief-cation, Travel to Cope with Loss
Plot an escape route from grief! Traveling to a new destination can help erase the memories of endless visits you had to make to hospitals. New sights help you erase the memories of your loved one slipping by that you had to watch helplessly.
This is definitely not a comprehensive list of what can be done, what other ways do you think are helpful to handle this emotion?
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(This post was first published on July 15th, 2008.)
“Engaging oneself in fruitful activities, …”
That approach had helped me.
Thanks Kat, Polona, Mamageek, Swarna.
Thanks Mimi… actually once we shift our focus and divert our energy to it sorrow diminishes to a large extent. I am glad you found your children to be a source of happiness.
Thanks Michael.
Thanks Randall… welcome to my blog and I liked your suggestion very much.
Thanks Quilly, Maggie May.
Thanks Kallu… so true.
Thanks Abraham sir.
Thanks Bengbeng, Man in painting.
Thanks Ajeya… yes we miss our dear ones and have sad moments, try to share it with others and not brood alone.
I have been through this feeling of lose…and now i feel that,its so human to feel sad and depressed for a while. I would want to think more and more about that person and recall all cherished moments spent with the person, even if at the end of it it will make me miss the person badly…But before the time heals the sorrow, before the passing hours makes the memory of the person fade and disappear behind mantle of forgetfulness, it is better to live these sad moments by missing them.
As are all your posts, this was beautiful Indrani and heartfelt.
When you are in grief, it is the time unconsciously we become more and more aware of our inner hidden world…
nice post..
me have a new one ..
at first i saw jus a sculpture but after reading yr post, i look at it with new appreciation
Indrani, this is profound. Two sayings I recall in this connection: 1. Happiness is a state of mind.
2. Cry out the grief.
Not quite satisfactory, I must say.
Very thoughtful post, Indrani. Maybe that’s why we Indians have this protracted 9-16 -31 day ceremonies after death.People hang around or come back and just the contacts help you grieve and get over it by talking it over and over and living life too.
That was a sensitive post about grief. I think being allowed to talk things through when you need to talk is the answer and being allowed not to talk about it when you don’t feel like it. Difficult for others to get the balance right!
Time is a great healer but it doesn’t help to be told that!
eloquent
as with all heavy loads, grief is less of a burden when it is shared.
Better still… after listening to their tale of sorry, take them to a movie or for a round of miniature golf. Just don’t go t a sad movie.
Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Hello Indrani What you said is true and very useful. I was once in my lowest point of my life that my worries did engulfed me but one day I just wake up and realized that I was not alone I have children who suffer most than I am. Thats how I fight the grief within me now I can say I am happy because i have children to be happy. They are my reason to live..
As adults we are supposed to know all these, but some of us do need to be reminded occasionally about the tenets of empathy and compassion, don’t we? Thoughtful post, Indrani
This was a very thought provoking post. Oh so true. I try (TRY) to take comfort in knowing some things are just out of my hands…
a wonderful musing on grief… there’s nothing for me to add…
“Try spending a little more time to listen to their tale of sorrow, very often you will find your sorrow is negligible compared to others’….” – Very true. A line becomes smaller, if a bigger line is drawn next to it..!